Day Two: Alone With Kids

So, it is pretty much what you would expect. Yesterday was really tough, but there is always excitement and/or chaos depending on how you look at it, in our household. Today was your typical day- Ginger Snap refusing to eat, you know, anything. I often joke that she should eat air, but I don't think she would like the taste of that either. So, a half bowl of Rice Krispies for breakfast and a strawberry. Lunch consisted of about six spoonfuls of soup and a handful of Japanese rice crackers. She started to unravel around 2:00pm. Why? Well, Ginger Snap is HUNGRY!

We have pets - have I mentioned this before? Three cats and one dog to be exact. Marley, our dog, (named before the book or movie), has started her afternoon"incessant barking ritual". One of the cats decided that a blue?, yes blue, elastic hairband, would make a good snack. That was ejected along with whatever else was in her stomach- great fun! Sarah, our black cat has been licking the wall again-!?! (your guess is as good as mine). The third cat, Merle, is sleeping happily on my pillow- so good for someone with allergies and mild asthma.

Ginger Snap and I pick up Lightning from Kindergarten and from the start, it was all downhill. He was grumpy, hungry, and hot (as in dripping with sweat). All three of these adjectives lead to a toxic combination. I NEED A MARTINI and it's only 3:30pm!

The afternoon passes with "normal" household behaviors- two cats fighting, Marley chasing said cats, kids chasing Marley, Marley chasing kids. As Ginger Snap is running, she trips over Lightning's shoe and lands on her nethers (also known as the "V"). Ginger is making a screaming sound that is not even human. This all occurs while I am on the phone and in the process of inviting my sister in law to stay with us while she is in town. She kindly declines (I wonder why...).

After consoling Ginger Snap and her V, Lightning discovers a spider- announces he sees it and promptly stomps on it (another thing to clean up). He also discovered a small hole in the window screen in his bedroom which holds a pencil nicely (he showed me this proudly). And what do you know... it gets bigger when you put bigger things in it?

But the worst part of this time alone with my children is that my son celebrated his sixth birthday while my husband was away. It's not my husband's fault, and he wanted to be there, but it was sad. Lightning said he understood- we were going to wait to open all of his presents on the weekend when Daddy was back in town. I wanted to give him one gift to tide him over until the weekend. So, I selected a car that he could build, and wouldn't you know that when we opened the package, it was damaged and missing all of the wheels? Oyvey!

Later that night after the kids went to bed, I had my martini (dirty with an olive and worth every sip).

Skank For A Day

Skank - noun. A person and especially a woman of low or sleazy character.

Ever have one of these? Oh Puhleeze. Yes, you have. I knew I was going to be a skank mom today when I saw the red spot on my cornea and my eyes hurt to blink. Oh no! This means I won't be able to wear my contact lenses and, even worse, eye makeup. Prepare yourself everyone... a scary version of myself is emerging. Without makeup I typically have people ask me if I am 1) sick, 2) crying, 3) tired. NO PEOPLE it's just that my eyelashes are blonde and therefore you cannot see them without eyeliner and mascara. It's going to be a long day.

So, to reflect the look of a skank I have found it necessary to carry the character from head to toe. Let's start with the hair - yuck! I washed it last night, yet today it looks three days old. It's not straight or wavy... today it's stravy (also known as "not pretty"). Next let's move on the outfit. Note my "fashionable" gray sweat suit (too large) and stained running shoes. There is a quarter size grease stain on one leg and the pants bunch in the back where the drawstring is cinched. This could potentially be flattering, making my tummy look small; however, it makes my backside look like two rumpled watermelons. Should I point out that this outfit is on day three - suweeet! Why take something off that can easily be worn to bed? Underwear? Nah. That just gets in the way. It's amazing that I am wearing a bra- let's not go there (only disappointment follows). Nice visual, huh?

I'm even eating like a skank (at least this is what I think). Hold the protein today. It's only soda, Reese's peanut butter cups, and Andy Capp's Cheddar Fries for me. No need to work out when living like a skank.

My confidence stems from the fact that I know I look frightful and I stare you in the face and dare you to tell me. I've gotten so angry with my skankiness that I am haughty and self-righteous. Yeah, that's right. I'm a skanky bitch today. What are you going to do about it?

Okay. That's through now. Can someone help me find my mascara and contact lenses? I want to be pretty again.

The Noise Hiatus

I have a fantasy. No, no don't get the wrong idea. This fantasy has nothing to do with frothy, little black undies and a corset, although that's not a bad idea. It has everything to do with solitude and quiet... rich, velvety, thick silence. The simple requirement for this fantasy includes a one-night stay in a hotel (or two nights, or three...). Once in the room, the goal is not to get off of the bed - order room service, write, organize two year's worth of photos, watch a movie, check out websites, etc. Food is also part of the fantasy - room service that will include some kind of seafood, wine, salad, and a really rich, fatty dessert.

Our household consists of only two children; however, we also have 3 cats and a dog. The noise is continuous in our home. The kids start fighting at which point our Australian Shepherd jumps in on the act and starts barking (loudly). Of course the cats don't like this so usually at least one cat takes off running at which point our dog will begin pursuit. I am usually somewhere in the middle yelling (at what, I don't know). The kids calm down or go into timeout and peace is resolved until the next fight breaks out. We have moments of peace in the house, but they are all too short lived.

One might think that things are quieter after dark, and they are; however, this is when the night noises begin. My daughter tends to wake up at least once almost every night - bad dreams, bathroom visits, thirsty, hot... and when my son is sick, he often coughs for several hours throughout the night. Additionally, the cats will brawl downstairs after the lights are out.

I am home practically 100% of the time with the kids and I need a "noise hiatus". I just want to hear my thoughts (I think). Can anyone relate?

The Golden Check List

Okay, so I am approaching 40 years of age (not there yet, but it is looming). I actually think 45 is going to be harder to handle, but 40 is the next "big one" for me. So, I have been thinking about the things-I-want-to-do-before-I-am-too-old-to-do-them also known as The Golden Check List. Honestly I don't think I am going to feel "old" until 70 or so (and hopefully not even then). So, let's get right to it. My list includes:

- Get published. I have been working on a children's book for almost three years now and I am dabbling with creative non-fiction

- Go to the Macy's Day Parade in New York

- Attend any of these fun shows - Saturday Night Live, David Letterman (closed for the writer's strike when in New York in December 2007), Conan O'Brien, or Oprah

- Parasail

-Go to Disney World. Can you believe I lived in Florida for 7 years during my college days and I never visited Disney World? I have only been one time (when I was about 10 years old).

- Go to New Braunfels, Texas to visit Schlitterbahn (the 'World's Best Water Park 2007'). http://www.schlitterbahn.com/

- Go to a topless beach - do I want to BE topless? Gee, I don't know. I will have to size up the beach competition first. Hopefully this will occur in someplace exotic. I don't want anyone I know to size up my B cups.

- Stay in a cabin in Colorado with my family and go skiing. I went skiing one time with my 8th grade class for a day trip. Kind of ironic because I lived in Georgia at the time and currently I live in Maryland. I don't even own a snow suit!

- GO TO EUROPE!!! I have never been to Europe. The only "foreign" locales have been Montego Bay, Jamaica; and Tiajuana, Mexico (do not reccommend this location to anyone). The list of desired locations include Greece, Holland, Italy, Switzerland, Sweden, India, Australia, and Austria.

- Go on a family vacation to Canada.

- Go on a family trip to a tropical, foreign location such as St. Thomas, Ocho Rios, and/or St. Lucia.

- Jump out of an airplane (this is a 40th desire)

- Wear a thong on a beach (probably best in an exotic locale where the likelihood of seeing anyone I know will be nil). This may not go over well in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I will also have to give advance notice to onlookers regarding my pasty whiteness. What's that glare on the beach, you ask? Oh, that's just my ass reflecting light.

This is just a starter list. Have any thoughts?

The Chaos of Christmas

Christmas is such a jolly time - rude drivers at the mall (including hand gestures), fighting for a parking spot ANYWHERE, crummy weather, long lines, filling out endless Christmas cards, frantic purchases (because I waited too long), pre-a.m. children wake-up time on Christmas (because, you know, it's important to be the first one to see the piles of gifts), desperate anticipation of opening all of the piles of gifts, getting the gifts mixed with the massive piles of wrapping paper debris, accidentally throwing away some of the miniscule pieces of presents that your children have frantically opened, realizing that certain necessary pieces of presents are missing (such as assembly directions and parts) on said gifts making them useless to the owner... sigh.

This is our Christmas. It would not have been so bad, but our home is also under construction, wait, let me re-phrase ... our kitchen is under demolition (or a bomb attack) and our family is sitting in the aftermath of debris, dust, and CLUTTER. We have all new cabinets and appliances nestled happily in our dining room and living room. Our family of 4 humans, 3 cats, and 1 dog live on the couch on the main floor. The basement holds the excess furniture from our dining room, so, like the main floor, it is an unfriendly environment for children. Fortunately, the upstairs is still habitable.

My husband and I would agree that we have probably spent 30% of our time trying to locate things on a regular basis. I'm not talking about the car keys or a wallet (although we misplace those as well). I'm talking about the butter, bread, ANY matching pair of socks, Ginger Snap's pink shoes (missing since deconstruction began), my bra (don't worry I have another one- good thing!), toy cars, stuffed animals, the bagels, the cereal, a knife (any knife), paper, scissors, tape, etc. The list goes on and the above is an example of what we might "lose" in one day. This explains why it takes me 45 minutes to make Lightning's lunch for school.

The construction is only 4 weeks underway, however, we have been without an oven since August 2007 (5 months) and we have never had a dishwasher. I must keep reminding myself to hang tight because (hopefully) this kitchen renovation will be completed by March 2008. The new design is fantastic and it will be oh so user friendly.

Okay, okay, okay. It did not feel as much like Christmas this year due to the alterations in the kitchen, however, I must remember that we have our health, we have each other (fighting, pushing, and time outs included), we have food in our bellies, and warm beds to sleep in. Isn't this enough??? Yes, but I would still like that trip to Europe ... whatever. By this time next year the kitchen renovation will be a distant memory (right?) To you and yours, have a fabulous 2008!

I Eat Dead Cow - Vegetarian Anyone?

So, the family is sitting at the dinner table and we are having a REAL dinner: steak, potatoes, salad, and dinner rolls. I am so excited because it is rare that we are 1) all together at the same time, 2) not eating cheese pizza, 3) eating a solid meal with protein, and 4) all in a good mood due to this appetizing meal placed before us. My son, Lightning, who is 5 years old and inquisitive about everything (sometimes to a fault), asks me just after I have taken a large bite of medium rare COW,

"Mommy what kind of meat is steak?"

I respond, "Steak comes from a cow."

He pauses to take this in and asks, "Did they dead this cow?"

I slow my chewing because I know where this is heading. Swallowing hard and taking a drink first, I reply, "Yes, this cow was killed before we bought it in the grocery store."

My daughter, Ginger Snap (who is 3 years old) screeches, "Ewwwww, yuck. This is dead cow?! I don't want to eat this!"

I look at Ginger Snap with understanding and suggest that she focus on her potatoes, which are NOT meat - they are a vegetable.

Lightning follows with, "Did the cow hurt while it was being deaded?"

I look at my husband who raises his eyebrows at me, remains mute, and puts his fork down. He has left the steak and is now eating salad (smart man). I look down at my once appealing steak, that is now a slab of once-alive cow sitting in a pool of reddish brown gravy. I think to myself, someone please help me.

Trying to lessen the blow I say, "I don't know if the cow was hurting. Maybe it just died of old age (my GOD, if this is the case, then I am finished with meat. How is this any better than killing a cow?)"

"Why do cows die? I don't know if I want to eat an old cow. But sometimes they dead, I mean, kill the cow before we eat it, right?"

"Wow Lightning, you are asking really good questions and I am just not sure about the answers. Did you have a good day at school? Were you good today? What did you do outside at recess?"

"Yes. I had a good day. I stayed on green all day and we played tag outside. So, mommy what kind of meat is bacon?"

"Bacon comes from a pig."

My daughter freaks. "I love pigs! I don't want to eat pigs!"

Lightning rationalizes, "So, we eat cows and pigs. Does a pig know it's going to be deaded?"

The dinner conversation continues in this refrain through the entire meal. I have now determined that 1) family dinners are not what they used to be, 2) pizza sounds like a delicious option, and 3) I am now a vegetarian. I can't wait until he asks me where foie gras comes from.

The moral of the story? Eat peanut butter.

Famous Ginger Snap quote: 'There are two girls in my class with the same face. They are not twins mommy, they are sisters.'

Famous Lightning quote: '1600 million years old is older than Dad, right?'

Handsome Man is Showing Me His WHAT?!!

I swear to God, I don't know why these things happen to me... kind of scary... kind of interesting. My life is full of these bizarre happenings.

So, I'm driving to work. If you live anywhere near Washington, DC or 495, you know that in order to beat traffic, you leave earlier than anyone has a right to be awake. However, everyone has this same mentality and we all find ourselves on I-95 at 6:20am driving with a gajillion other cars. The sun is just rising and I am listening to NPR, drinking my coffee and eating a muffin. Out of the corner of my eye a blue pick up truck is keeping up with me. I look over and there is a good looking man in a business suit smiling at me and I see something else. I squint and he maintains eye contact. OH MY GOD!!!! MY EYES!!!! IT CAN'T BE!!!! I just saw his tallywhacker standing tall peeking above the door. How is it possible I can see IT?! Is he sitting on books? Is that real? Oh my Lord, I can't process ... don't want to see that while I'm eating breakfast... and it gets better. I drive away and HE FOLLOWS ME. He pulls up beside me again (remember all this time we are driving 65-70mph) and holds up a sign that reads, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

What is this? Am I on candid camera? I look at him and shake my head "NO". Now I'm getting angry. Who does he think he is? I try to slow down so I can get his license plate but he takes off. Then it's over. What just happened? Am I flattered or disgusted? Is he going to a job or is his job finding women alone in their cars on a highway and jingling body parts out of a window?

What's the moral of the story? Listen to your mom and leave your clothes on.

Anyone have a similar story? No, I didn't think so. There are many more stories to share with you, so stay tuned.